Herr Garrison is a teacher at South Park. He is gay and a friend of Mr. Hat.
- "When Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees fell weak."
- "Ohhh, hot lesbo scene comin' up!"
- "Aww, Why not?"
- "Well, women want to read about ding-dongs. You think women care about the details of female anatomy? Hell no! Women want to read about big, powerful shlongs!"
- "Hi there."
- "Oh crap!"
- "Eat me, pervert."
- "I like man my own age. I mean, I like women. What did I say? Oh, God! I like titties!"